Mr. Lanz? I'm done.
No.
Forgive me. No.
You are just beginning.
You liked it?
Liked it?
You made me want to swallow poison.
And forget pitch, rhythm and tone
and emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.
I'm sorry, I don't think I...
A grain of sand slips into an oyster
and irritates the bivalve.
What happens?
A pearl.
Celine Dion.
Miss Nicki Minaj.
Christina Aguilera, occasionally.
All of them deeply, profoundly irritating.
Each one a huge star.
You, Mighty Mo, are that irritant.
So you'll represent me?
If you'll have me.
Richie Lanz Management.
Globally. In all markets.
Welcome to the team.
Thank you! Thank you!
So $1,200?
It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes...
Oh, I go to a gym.
Want to get you a good blender, too.
Wow. I've got goose bumps. Me, too.
Oh, personal check.
I'm going to say it's okay, Ronnie.
Yeah.
Here's our contract. Oh.
The only one we'll ever have, ever.
My handshake is my word.
Conning checks from losers.
Booking cover bands for bar mitzvahs.
What happened to that smile you had?
That Richie Lanz smile. What'd you call it?
Hey, remember, we got that thing at Pogo's tonight.
Your "winner's smile. "
That's what you called it.
All those pictures in your office, you had that grin.
That grin, man. You were really something.
Am!
Not were, sweetheart. Am.
Yeah, sure, I'm taking some hits.
But this is all rope-a-dope, baby.
It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz from the cheap seats,
but I am still in the goddamn game!
This is not forever.
This is right now. This is... Van Nuys.
You know, life is about seeing an open door and walking right through it.
Obviously, some asshole has changed the goddamn locks on me,
but there is still a door there, I can see it.
I have always found a way. I always will.
I mean, how do you think I found Madonna?
Richie.
Singing for spare change in front of The Hamburger Hamlet.
Okay, is this our "talk,"
because you promised me,
after one year, I'd be singing my own songs.
I don't really see that now.
Wear your Meredith Brooks outfit tonight, please.
Door number one? That's you.
We have to talk, Richie.
No. I don't like this!
We have to rock!
What's up, buddy? She's great, isn't she?
She's not that great. You're too drunk to know.
God, this shit rocks!
Totally!
I love this song!
It rocks!
It totally rocks!
I got to go check something.
Fuses or watts or something...
No, no, no. My man, my man...
What you gotta do, is bring this shit to Afghanistan.
Afghanistan. Totally. Got to.
USO tour. That's me, man.
I book those things.
This chick, opening for Demi goddamn Lovato and that Solange?
The real Solange?
Hells yeah. In country, dude.
Goddamn beautiful this time of year.
What time of year is it?
May. What?
I think that it's May.
Kandahar rocks in May.
Right. Right.
Do the whole circuit. Herat, Mazar-e Sharif,
two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.
Do the whole thing.
You're talking about a tour?
A hellacious tour, dude!
For money?
How about for your country?
Hells yeah! For a ton of money.
We're at war, dude.
The faucet is open!
Oh...
One. Two. Three!
Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.
That's not true.
Nobody good.
Well, now you're just being cruel, aren't you?
Sweetie, your dad was a rock tour manager.
Your dad is a rock tour manager.
And this is what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to tour with my act.
Now, yes, it's a little bit out of town.
But it's a start.
The first thing I'll do when I arrive,
I'm going to head directly to the Kasbah.
Where I will purchase for you...
They don't have Kasbahs in Afghanistan.
What? No Rock the Kasbah?
Somebody is not going to like that.
They're in North Africa, not Afghanistan.
Oh, you are so your father's daughter.
Scary smart.
And you got my looks, too.
You really have the total package of me.
Okay, then I'll just go to the mall,
and get you one of those stuffed elephants with the mirrors all over it.
Just come home.
Hurry up! Ann Coulter's gonna dance next!
I gotta go.
Dree!
Dree,
I love you.
I love you more.
Come on. We're in the home stretch.
The last leg.
Come on, this is just a short two-hour...
Hell flight!
It's a hell flight.
This is a goddamn death trip.
Forgive me. The '85 Bangles tour was a death trip.
Susanna Hoffs would not even talk to her own mother.
I'm gonna hurl...
What if they hate me?
They're soldiers, they'll kill me.
You want my air? Here, take my...
No...
I want to go home.
Hey, did I ever tell you my, Stevie Nicks story?
It's the Rumours tour.
Stevie can't go on. Stevie won't go on.
Finally, I can't stand it anymore.
I run over to her, grab her by the shoulders,
I look her in the eye and I say,
"Miss Stevie, I'm nobody.
"But I'm a fan.
"And there's a lot of kids out there tonight just like me.
"Fans, who saved all month
"to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.
"To see Stevie Nicks twirl. "
What happened?
Yeah. Crazy. She head-butted me.
Deviated septum, that I still have.
Blood everywhere. All over both of us.
But Miss Stevie Nicks
went on and did the show of her life that night.
And Ms. Ronnie Smiler,
I think you are that same kind of professional.
I believe in you.
He believes in you.
Oh, my God.
You should see the way he looks at you
while you sleep.
Oh...
Stop right now.
Not wearing underwear.
You idiot. That's what he's thinking.
You idiot.
It's only rock and roll, baby.
Yeah. It's... I mean, think Aspen.
But, you know, during wartime.
This is the last of it? It's not ours.
Your luggage probably never made it on the flight.
It has been known to happen.
Is there a lost and found?
Not in the traditional sense, sir.
Richie, I want to get out of here.
Get me the hell out of here now!
Okay, Private?
We'll proceed to The Majestic Hotel
and get you people squared away.
Don't really want to be heading into town in the dark.
Even with a Humvee and body armor.
I'll come back at 1900 hours, pick you up,
take you to Camp Phoenix for tonight's show.
I'm sorry, body armor?
That's a good plan. That's a great plan!
Hey, guess what? We're shopping here.
My treat! They have great shopping here.
Hippie-chic stuff.
These people invented the word "bazaar. "
Actually, sir, we're in a lock-down mode.
There's been an assassination attempt
on the Afghan President.
Markets, restaurants, tourist spots,
anything outside of your hotel
is suggested off-limits to all Westerners,
NATO, UN personnel,
all non-government organizations, until further notice.
What? A lockdown? What?
Private...
From now on, we'll, keep all of that on a need-to-know basis, okay?
Sir.
Hey, hon, you can't go out that way.
We got to go out this door here.
Ronnie Smiler everybody.
Tonight at Camp Phoenix at 8:00.
I'm losing it, Richie.
What is this?
Nothing. It's a Mexican Quaalude.
Can't this wait until after the gig?
IED puffed a local on Flower Street.
Landmine blew up two goats a few blocks over.
No worries. We're good to go.
You know what, you can have half now.
Save the rest for the after-party.
They're blowing up goats.
Must be some sort of a festival or something.
Mr. Lanz...
This hotel is not MOSS, Minimum Operating Security Standards.
They usually don't clear our people to stay here,
but the town's all jammed up and you're only
going to be here for one night.
Make sure you get a room at the back away from the street
and all this potential flying glass,
and stay in it until I get here.
See you at 1900 hours.
I can't feel my lower lip.
Good girl.
Richie Lanz. Checking in.
We are obviously the talent
for tonight's show at Camp Phoenix.
We've just come off a hellacious flight from the coast,
and I would really appreciate an upgrade,
possibly to a junior executive suite.
At the very least, two adjoining bedrooms.
Something with some size.
Definitely off the street?
Hey, Bombay Brian just got out of jail
for hanging two Taliban guys
upside down by their feet!
Thank you for your sacrifice.
You win, sir. I upgraded you.
What room, Nasim?
26.
My gal's got a big show tonight.
She's got to get her rest.
Big... Big time.
Oh...
Bye.
I'm gonna see you guys after at the after-party, right?
Sure, I'll be there.
Don't forget about the rock and roll...
Oh.
Hey. Look out.
Life is good.
Yes. And cheap.
Yes. Cheap and good.
Bartender, can we get a round of drinks and one for our boy here?
This is our card, in case you need anything.
I want you to have it. Anything at all.
"International Ballistics and Munitions"?
IBM.
Yeah, we sell bullets to the good guys.
Which is, you know, karmically correct.
And it's a $300 million contract
with the damn Pentagon, dude.
It's insane. Billions...
Billions are pouring into this bitch.
I am talking about US NGO dough. NATO.
It is a goddamn cash waterfall.
All you gotta do is just step up,
tilt your head back, and just swallow.
That's porno.
Six months ago, we were Herbalife salesmen, okay?
Look at us now? The goddamn ammo kings of Kabul!
Who would have fucking figured?
Rise and shine, songbird.
Your future is calling.
Ronnie?
She's gone!
She is? Truly?
You ready to roll, sir?
Hang on. Give me a second.
His Ronnie is gone.
Kidnapped?
Big Daddy. Big Daddy. We have a possible abduction at The Majestic...
No, she just left. I mean, she wrote a note.
She left a note. Copy that.
Well. I'm afraid that's a personal matter.
She stole my wallet. She took my wallet. My money, my passport.
Women, sir.
What about the show?
Well, I guess the show must go on.
But without you guys.
Good luck, sir.
"Good luck, sir"? I am royally fucked.
Welcome to Afghanistan.
How do you know that she's going to be here?
Because there's nowhere else she could possibly be, okay?
There's no flights out of this place until tomorrow.
She is still in Kabul. Trust me.
And if she's in Kabul, she's at the Volcan.
Every-fucking-body is at the Volcan.
Say it with me, come on.
Volcan! Volcan! Volcan! Volcan!
Just chill the fuck out. You're in Kabul, man.
Man up!
Come on, go loud with me, bro!
What the fuck was that? Come on, go loud with us. Let's go.
Raise it. There we are.
Very nice, Rich. Hit it.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes!
Richie Rose, that's my dude!
It's pretty good? Smooth...
Smooth.
This is a nice car.
It's just like the Mannix car. From the TV show.
I bought it from my boy, Azam Ghol.
Sounds like someone from Lord of the Rings.
No, no, no. He is the real Dark Lord, dude.
I'm telling you, this guy, he's an animal.
He butchered, what,
half of southern Afghanistan back in the day?
But, still, really, a cool guy. Very funny.
Oh, yeah. Once you get to know him, he's great.
Yeah, he's got an incredible sense of humor.
You get him out in the world.
You get him going... He threw in these awesome CDs.
Linda Ronstadt. ZZ Top.
Phantom. Cats.
Don't worry about that.
Why did you do that?
Was that... Why did you do that? Was that about Cats?
Hates Broadway.
They'll snap at you.
This is fucking scary, isn't it?
Who would put a club here?
I figure this area is rent-controlled,
so they're able to keep the prices really low.
Come through here at Christmastime, and it's all lit up.
The parade goes right through here.
It's beautiful.
They're making us stop.
Yeah, we're good. Don't worry about this.
What is happening?
Just be cool, brah. Papers.
I, Officer...
Time for a crazy story.
Richie Lanz, it's a real pleasure.
I may have been burgled.
My star, a singer, like Cher,
seems to have vamoosed with my passport.
And my money.
And left me here in a place that I like,
a country that I like, and a village that I admire,
With no proof or identification that I am responsible
for a musical tour that's going through here.
Playing in your town and a number of others.
And I'd like for you all to come to the show as my guests.
Backstage... Get out of the car!
Now!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Those fools shoot like they dress.
Welcome to the jungle!
Oh, God...
Volcan! Volcan! Volcan! Volcan!
I was about to fall asleep before that.
Here we are.
Oh.
Kenny Loggins? You still playing?
Yes.
You guys had guns?
Oh, hell yeah, we do.
We good?
What's up, dude?
So you gave them your guns, does this mean we're not in a warzone here?
We're safe here? We're totally safe.
This is a tough town.
Fucking people blowing up all over the place,
a million miles from home.
Dirty. Stinky. We work hard,
but we must also play hard.
Dancing on the edge of the volcano.
Babe.
Nick. Jake.
Actually, I'm Nick. He's Jake.
Whatever. Plus one?
Okay, let's spread out and find your Ronnie. I'll grab a beer.
She's around here somewhere. Just keep looking, okay?
You the new lifeguard?
Oh...
"Oh"?
You're not a lifeguard. You're toast.
Burnt.
Singed.
Fried.
High.
I like your dress.
I bet.
Sparkly?
I'm Merci. With an "i. "
Can you sing?
Nope. But I can fuck you like a Mouseketeer on crack.
You can?
Sweets, I can do things to you
that are illegal in every civilized nation in the world.
I will leave you broken,
drooling,
and speaking in tongues like a hillbilly snake-handler.
When?
How much money you got?
Well...
I'm in a rented double-wide.
Can ask anybody where.
It's Miss Merci's 401 K retirement tour.
You do not wanna miss it.
Keith Haring, 1987.
I bought it off of John Cougar Mellencamp...
Well, his bass player, actually.
What's your name?
Richie Lanz.
Buckle up, cowboy.
Miss Merci?
She's, in the shower, I think.
I suggest you come back
in maybe an hour and a half or so...
Mr. Lanz?
Hey. Private Barnes.
I like what you've done with your hair, sir.
Oh, you're kind to say that.
Well, enjoy the rest of your stay.
Will do.
Private? Yeah?
Oh. Sure. Sure.
You look kind of nervous.
Probably your first hostage rescue.
Yes, sir.
No, I can get that one. Thank you.
Wow...
I ain't ever seen any shit like this before, sir. Good for you.
Well, it's wartime, son.
It's worth the wait.
You going downtown?
Maps! Maps!
Hashish? No. Never again. Hashish, yes.
That's final.
Maps!
Five dollars?
You got to be kidding. I've got nothing, fellas.
Maps. Maps.
Nothing. Look, check my...
Here, who...
You. You got here...
Here, take it. Kid with the hair.
Hey. Hey!
Are you a taxi?
Yes, yes, yes. Of course.
Thank you. Yes.
I'm glad you speak...
Yes, yes. I speak... Yes.
I speak American. American.
Where'd you learn? Yes. Yes.
International language of love, yes?
Look forward, please.
Oh, yes. Thank you.
I thought that was French.
No! No! No! Who sings the disco?
Well, we do. I guess.
Yes. Yes. The good stuff.
Bionic Boogie. Sylvester.
Lipp Incorporated. Madonna...
Hey, an old friend.
You have met Madonna?
"Met" is an understatement.
I love you, Daddy!
I love you.
I'm hanging up now.
Please don't hang up. I'm in a jam.
Syl! Please. Wait.
I'm stuck in Kabul,
and Ronnie left.
And took my passport and my money and my plane ticket.
I need you to wire me a few thousand dollars.
Oh, jeez. Sure.
Of course.
You're the greatest. You're aces.
The second you pay me the two months of child support you owe me,
you pathetic piece of shit!
Right.
Are you still there?
I need a shower. Of course, sir.
You smell like pussy.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
Your girl's gone.
I got her out of here last night on a C-130 to Dubai.
Why?
'Cause she asked me to.
Because she asked you to?
Yes.
That and the fact that she paid me $1,000.
My $1,000.
That's half my fee. She said you would pay me the rest.
No, and no.
I have no money.
No passport... $1,000.
American. Now.
I assume you'll take a personal check.
I assume you'll take a bullet to the foot.
Look, Mr. Bombay.
Or, do you go by Mumbai now?
Twenty-four hours. You pay me or you die.
You don't deserve a talent like that.
She begged you to let her sing her own songs.
You force her to sing that stupid cover shit.
Creative suicide.
A, it's called "management strategy,"
and two,
why don't you get me my passport and wallet back for the $1,000?
How about I punch a hole through your heart right now?
Get out of my way.
Twenty-four hours!
One day.
You're repeating yourself.
Ridiculous!
Woodstock, Jimi Hendrix played The Star Spangled Banner
because I asked him to!
Two weeks to get a passport to my own country!
Could you please turn down the Boogie Oogie Oogie?
Hey, boss, how about lunch? Do you like Mexican?
Mexican is fine.
But no food.
Madonna? Please.
Donna.
Donna Elaine Beckerman, Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
I gave her the name Madonna.
That's why you are a very famous man!
Saw her singing on the street.
Yes. The Hamburger Hamlet.
On Sunset...
Legendary ears.
Oh, Mr. Richie,
tonight is Afghan Star on TV.
Afghan Star?
Yes, big TV show.
Like your American Idol.
Huge competition for our singers.
He is the favorite.
All of Afghanistan, they watch it and they vote it.
For money? Yes, of course.
Winner gets $5,000, American, and a record deal!
I dig the suit. Retro.
Hey, Uncle Rich, we've got to get out of here.
We've got something better than this.
It's there! It's there!
Oh!
Look at that?
Three months I've been trying to get
that fucking thing to spiral.
Here you go.
What's that for?
That's some gangsta shit!
Just consider it a Lifetime Achievement Award.
Okay, I think what he's trying to say
is that, ultimately, you are our landsman,
and you are in trouble.
That's about $15,000.
Not enough?
What do you guys want?
Fucking mind-reader. Clairvoyant...
Okay, what we're looking for
is a little of that Richie Lanz closing magic.
You see, we're, double-booked.
What my partner is trying to say
is that we are tied up here in Kabul.
But we got a shipment due in Patkia.
Today.
Today, Rich. Okay, it's just a few hours south.
We'll send some security just for show.
Totally not necessary. This is a sweet Pashtun village.
Richie, these...
These are the very good guys, okay?
And all they need is a few thousand rounds of ammunition
to defend their village.
We gotta help these guys.
Of course we gotta help these guys.
It's what we do, right? It's why we're here.
It's why we are all here, okay?
Look, we need somebody we can trust, all right?
An American that we can trust.
You drive down, and you do the meet-and-greet.
Get paid, obviously. And you see the sights.
And they're wonderful sights.
The road trip is absolutely incredible.
There's amazing rock formations.
It's like Arizona. Really, really pretty.
And you'll be back at L'Volcan tonight for cocktail hour.
A tourist trip.
Totally. You got a camera?
Why would I ever do that?
Love this guy. Oh...
Cool head in a tight spot.
Why would you ever do that?
What do you think? We didn't think about this?
Obviously we did. We thought about you.
And then we thought about your current situation.
Look, Rich, the US Embassy, if pushed,
can issue what they like to call
a "limited-validity" passport.
Like right now.
Right the fuck now.
We can have it in your hands tonight.
No questions asked. Yeah. No.
Like I said, we can and we will make that happen for you.
Now it's only good for a year,
but it will get you home.
And it's safe?
It's safe as milk.
Thirty clicks from our destination out on the Gardez road.
The mission today is a simple stop-and-drop.
We got a Hollywood agent in the truck with us today.
Let's see if we can't keep him alive.
You say you're shopping a book deal.
You happen to be sitting next to a very well-connected hombre.
Connected to who?
Danielle Steel.
Bullshit.
We dated.
Get the fuck out of here.
Seriously.
No way.
Back in the Bay Area.
You dated Danielle Steel?
You fuck her?
Twice.
You know, I read Passion's Promise.
A lot of sex.
She had beautiful hair, didn't she?
Back then.
Now, I think she's wearing wigs. And cheap ones.
Really. Like dime-store ones.
Synthetic?
You know, she's got the money to spend.
I don't know why she doesn't do anything...
Come on!
Mr. Richie!
The fucking truck is on fire, get up!
Let's go. Get up!
Get up! Let's go.
Get up! Anybody hit? Anybody hit?
Baba? No? Get It On John?
Everybody all right?
Where are you going?
Mr. Richie, you are blown up?
Richie! Where are you going?
Mr. Richie! Hey!
The fuck you going?
Get that gear out of the car!
Hollywood, where are you going?
Hey!
The fuck you going?
Where are you going? This was not the deal.
What?
This wasn't the deal.
The deal...
The deal was safe as milk.
Was the deal... Safe as milk!
Let's go. Let's go. Let's get out of here.
Not getting blown to hell...
Milk? Do these look like milk trucks?
Do I look like a milkman?
I don't like the tone of your voice.
You're not going to get out of here without us.
You're not gonna get five clicks out of here.
What's a click?
It's a unit of measurement in the desert.
Mr. Richie... BOMBAY BRIAN: Heads up. Heads up. What you got?
Horses! Horses, Mr. Richie.
Oh, fuck.
Let's mount out. Come on.
We should have taken horses.
They are my people. Yes.
It's okay.
They're Pashtun.
Where you going?
To close this deal.
Hey, Richie Lanz.
Talent manager. Van Nuys, California.
Soon to be in Beverly Hills.
How are you all doing, guys?
Back at you, babe.
We got all the stuff you asked for. Everything's here.
It's all boxed real nice.
Bows. The whole thing.
Heads up.
Oh, yes. He's cool.
We done, champ?
No I... Everything but the money...
It's good.
Okay, I guess you've got what you need.
There's just the matter of an account balance.
Is he... Is he stiffing me?
He is not on our side.
Yeah, I think I know a good cop, bad cop when I see it.
He wants to pay you over tea at his home.
Tea? Yes.
And then dinner.
And then he would like us to spend the night.
It is an incredible honor, Mr. Richie.
I don't know...
If you refuse he will be honor-bound to hunt you down and kill you
and then hunt down your family and kill them.
I'm thinking.
First you lose your girl.
Now you're gonna lose your head.
You're running out of shit to lose.
Baba, Johnny, get this shit off the truck.
Let's get out of here.
In my country, we often say thank you with a song.
Ready?
Bring it home!
Come on. Bring it down!
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
"Everything that we have,"
"all the wealth of my village, for what?"
"To buy more bullets. More guns. "
"We are surrounded by enemies,"
"the mujahideen warlords. "
"Azam Ghol is my Pashtun brother. "
"He comes to take my village, and he wants us to grow the poppy. "
"Twenty-five years of killing. "
"I am tired of war, and I cannot afford the peace. "
"Allah helps the innocent. "
We have a saying,
"The Lord works in mysterious ways. "
Well, la-de-dah...
Taxi.
I heard a girl singing just now. Right over there.
A Pashtun girl.
No. Impossible.
The girl in the red burka. We saw her today.
No, Pashtun women cannot.
They are forbidden to sing.
The chick in the red burka didn't get the memo.
This girl...
Oh, God. Oh!
This girl...
Riza, Richie Lanz is about one thing. One thing only.
What is it?
Your ears.
My ears.
And signing.
So it's two things. My ears and signing.
I hear them, and I sign them. So simple.
A Pashtun woman? From this village?
They will kill her and then, right away, they will kill us.
With big, sharp rocks.
That is simple.
Well, I think you're wrong. I hope you're wrong.
And I think you're wrong.
Look around. Look at that.
Look at all of that.
And look at me.
What the hell am I doing here?
This is so crazy, so random.
This has got to be fate.
There's got to be a reason for this.
And the reason is that girl and that TV show.
I am supposed to be here.
I will talk.
You will translate.
We will die.
That's the spirit.
I see that none of you are cable or satellite subscribers.
But I'm pretty sure
that you've heard about Afghan Star?
Bit, big hit. TV show that comes out of Kabul.
Heard about it. Heard about it.
Well, I happen to have these babies right here.
They're like yours, but they're magic.
And I already know who the winner is.
I know who's the best, because I heard the winner
here last night.
In a cave above your village.
My all-time guy would simply tell us,
"Come together, right now,
"over her. "
She is Tariq's daughter! She is Tariq's daughter! Of course...
Get out!
Is he proud? He's got to be.
"How dare you? My daughter. Insult.
"Shame. Dishonor.
"Eternal death. "
I mean, he just goes on, sir.
So I guess that's a "no. "
Great. A flat tire. See?
We are cursed.
Oh, come on. It's a flat tire.
I'm sure you know how to fix it.
Oh...
A ninja! Salima?
I must go to Kabul.
Allah gave me this voice. This is his gift.
Absolutely.
But why are you in my trunk?
I must honor him with my music.
I must celebrate my God with my singing.
I must go to Kabul. I must.
Hey, you're preaching to the choir,
but, you know, your father, family,
apparently will kill me.
Then it is Allah's will, and we shall die together.
No. No, we shall not.
I have no intention of dying.
Ever.
Tell her, Riza.
Kabul, that way.
Hold it right there, Salima.
From the moment you heard me sing,
since you found me in the cave,
since we were put here on this Earth,
everything in our lives has led us to this time, this place.
Richie Lanz,
our story is already written, and now,
now we shall play our parts.
We must. There is no choice. It is God's will.
Okay, but I'm going to want 20*%.
No contract.
Just a handshake. That's all I've ever had.
A handshake is my word.
"Allah loves those who act justly. "
All right. Back in the trunk.
I'm kidding.
A guy wouldn't have to walk that far.
I must speak.
Sure. We have time.
I think you are a smart man, Mr. Richie.
And a good one.
All right. Calm down.
Salima is in danger.
I will protect her.
Against millions? Where will she even sleep?
I have one bed. One room.
If I bring an unmarried Pashtun girl in my building,
my neighbors would tear us apart for the sin.
Do you remember where we first met?
70-30.
You pay room and board, all out of pocket.
Done.
I also get a taste of all the merch money.
And I get a taste of the merch.
In all markets, all endeavors.
Boys, it's your lucky day.
All right, none of you are leaving here with a vicious STD.
Downside, Miss Merci's pulling an early retirement.
Hangin' up my hot pants.
So, I suggest you go down to the Chinese whorehouse
on Chicken Street.
We waited all this time... Come on.
Breakfast, darling?
Got Cap'n Crunch, Lucky Charms...
I come here for the waitress.
Scared is normal.
Scared is okay. Jon Bon Jovi throws up before every show.
We're on the list. Lanz. Plus one.
There is no list.
There's always a list.
I appreciate your passion, but...
Not my passion.
Salima's passion.
I mean, I'm just a hustler from LA.
You know what's going to happen to a Pashtun girl
that sings on national TV in this country?
What her family is going to do? Her father?
It's already done. Just the fact that her coming here, it's done.
Look, and yet, she knows this and here she stands in front of you
just asking for a chance.
Just asking for you to give her a chance.
If the ulema doesn't shut us down,
if the Ministry of Information doesn't throw me in jail,
there will be another season, Mr. Lanz.
Call me later.
There is no later for Salima.
Or for you.
Or your country.
If you let this girl sing on national TV,
if you let the Afghan people
see her courage...
Stop. Stop!... and to hear her voice...
No! You do not lecture me about courage.
About my country. Never.
Never. Not you. Not an American.
You people. You talk and talk.
Have been talking at us for far too long.
Courage?
There are more death threats on this show than singers.
Touché. Michael Jackson...
Pink Floyd. The Eagles.
The Bee Gees. Saturday Night Fever album.
Fleetwood Mac. Miss Whitney Houston.
They're all giants. Demi-gods!
They all crushed...
Crushed 40 million units or more.
Forty million units.
Now, you work too hard for me not to say this.
I consider you my new friend in Afghanistan.
I want you to consider me
your new partner.
Now I have an 80-20 that's been stepped on
by a pre-existing 70-30.
But your 15 against my 85
puts us both in a palace in the hills, my friend.
And those numbers can be massaged.
But the first thing, you got to just hear the girl sing.
Richie, the judges want to know
if Salima will be only singing in English.
That's never happened before.
Well, I'm afraid so. It's a touching story.
She learned from a seriously wounded American GI
who was trapped in her village.
As she nursed him back to health,
he taught her one word a day,
until finally, the music of the West.
None of that's true.
I mean, apparently, there was a soldier...
So only Cat Stevens?
And Jimmy Cliff.
She does the Muslim West. That's it.
What?
What'd that twerp say?
Nothing.
I'm going to go kill him, just in case. No, Richie.
All right, when you're done,
big James Brown finish.
I come out,
throw a hijab around you... Well...
Escort you off the stage... Richie...
You shove off the shawl,
go back to the mic... Richie...
Go down on full knee-drop... MERCI: All right.
Nail that last verse one last time. Ignore him.
You be you.
And you look like a lady, you sing like an angel. It'll be enough.
He's very good.
Okay.
Now's a good time to be sick.
Okay. Let them hear you.
Yeah!
Come on!
Yeah! Come on!
How you feelin', boss?
They were with her.
I can feel when it's working.
And she had 'em.
They didn't want to show it. But she had 'em.
And she was something.
She was really something.
May I hide from the wind over here?
We shook hands.
That's a binding contract, sacred in my world!
Phone calls have been made to Dubai!
I've heard the greatest! I've heard the best!
The way she sang last night, she could have won it all!
We could have won it all, Dad.
If she goes back to the village, Richie,
I must remove her name from the ballot.
What a beautiful picture.
Miss, would you mind moving?
I'm trying to look at the skyline here. Thank you.
Asshole.
What time is your flight?
8:00 to Dubai.
Three-hour layover, and then I got a direct flight to LA.
Got a sleeper seat.
I was going to tell you, really.
When it comes to men, I'm usually two steps ahead.
It wasn't supposed to end this way.
That girl has talent, she has the gift, she has the magic.
I know it.
How the hell good am I if I can't break a talent like that?
I saw the audience. They did not dig an uncovered Pashtun girl
singing Cat Stevens in English.
Sweetness and light,
I watched that crowd.
They wanted to go with her.
They were dying to go with her.
They just weren't able to go with her because it was in public.
You really believe that?
I sure do.
So? So...
Daddy Bear took her out of the show, and she quit.
Quit? You quit.
It was that easy for you to walk away.
First little bump in the road,
and Mr. Richie's just giving up.
Slinking back to his little Van Nuys world.
I don't think you know quite what you're talking about.
Nah. I don't know shit.
I know 'cause my daddy told me that.
"Merci, just shut up, put on a tube top,
"go find yourself a rich man while you still can. "
And for a long time, too long,
I believed him.
But you know what, Richie?
I am not dumb.
I'm gonna walk out of here with a serious nest egg
and open my own real-estate agency in Oahu.
Richie Lanz, I fought to be a winner,
and I do not have time for quitters and losers.
I am not a loser.
I am a quitter.
If you really know talent,
and you really know
that Salima's gonna win her way into the next round,
then do something.
Figure something out, man. I don't know.
But win, God damn it.
God, you are
really crazy about me, aren't you?
I am your partner with this girl,
but I bet on you, Richie.
Not her. You.
And you better deliver me my 30%.
I got an idea.
Of course you do, hon.
It's a million-to-one shot.
But so were the Bay City Rollers.
Hey, assalam-alaikum.
Walaikum-assalam.
What do you say we keep Salima on the ballot?
What?
Who actually knows that she quit?
I mean, officially?
I know. My staff knows.
Okay, but they don't know, right?
On TV last night, there was her name on the ballot
with a phone number to call. Yes.
You know, if you haven't officially removed her from the ballot,
don't.
She's risked her life. Come on.
And it'd be great for her village,
for her family, for her people.
The nation. The world.
Women everywhere.
Maybe. You know, probably.
But I found this girl in a cave.
And I heard her and...
I just got to know, man.
I just got to know.
Don't you want to know?
I already know.
This conversation never happened, okay?
Salima!
You okay?
I think I'm bleeding somewhere.
I am going to brain this guy!
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
She did it!
You did it!
We're in!
What?
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
Technically, the daddy did threaten to cut off my head.
That was before his lambkin made it to the final round.
He will put your head on a spike.
Come on, babe, please.
Face-to-face? I own him.
Everything all right?
I have to go to work.
Work?
But you said that you retired.
You said you discovered Madonna.
I don't have a choice. None.
So you're just gonna have to trust me on this, Richie.
Or not.
What kind of warlord throws a pool party on a weekday?
So? You wanna say something?
Yeah. Okay.
Say it.
What is a beauty like you doing with a goof like me?
You never heard of a "Merci fuck"?
May I ask you one favor?
Okay.
Don't do the Marilyn-wig thing
with the scarves.
Just save that for us. I feel like that was kind of our special thing.
I'm going to see you tomorrow.
You know what? I have a lot of emotion tied into it.
We're returning to the picturesque Pashtun village.
Although, without backup.
But this time, for twice my initial fee.
You need a hook, Mr. Bombay.
There's a million mercenary memoirs out there.
I'm sorry. This is what I do.
Yeah, what you do is talk shit.
I could get you in a bidding situation.
Miss Merci.
House of pain.
So me and this Pashtun girl,
we were in the hot tub with these two guys...
Oh, Lord.
With Azam Ghol and this Nizar.
Right. Just give me the gory details.
Richie, shut up! Listen to me!
Hey, those bullets that you sold to Salima's father, I don't know if they're bad...
They won't fire. They're old.
Richie, it was all a setup. Do you hear me?
You delivered the bad bullets for them.
They used you, Richie. You were the fucking patsy.
And Nizar's going to kill Salima. He's a crazy man.
He kept screaming about it. "She's a whore," or, "Infidel. " Whatever.
And you put her on TV, Richie.
They're going to fucking kill her.
They're going to kill her father,
take over the village, and you've got to do something.
Do you get it?
Thanks for the tip, honey.
See you soon. Gotta go.
Richie?
Slight change of plans. Let's go back to Kabul.
What?
We're not going to go get her?
What?
Your handshake is your word.
You shook her hand.
You tell Salima that your word is bond.
Richie. You are her manager.
Shit!
Stop.
What?
Just stop the car.
Stop.
Stop!
Hey! The fuck?
What's happening?
What the hell...
I never discovered Madonna.
What?
I never handled a real headliner.
I did have Eddie Money, but it was back when he was Eddie Mahoney.
It was long before Two Tickets To Paradise.
I made a few bucks.
I nailed a couple of hot publicists.
But I also gave up a daughter I love.
But, gentlemen, Riza's right.
There are four sacred bonds in this life.
A parent and child.
A husband and wife.
A priest and confessor.
And manager-talent.
What about doctor-patient?
Or lawyer-client?
Not sacred.
No. Salima
is my act.
She's mine.
I am her manager.
And my act needs me.
Now.
You stole my daughter.
Yes. But you raised her.
And you raised her to honor and celebrate
your family, your country,
and your God.
And if you didn't truly believe that, wouldn't she be dead by now?
Hang on, it gets worse.
Understandable.
We are your only chance.
"We"? Yeah.
There is no "we. " I'm done with you.
That's enough.
When were you going to tell me?
Was it a big surprise or something?
Something you were going to spring on me?
It just hit me.
This is your killer hook.
This is your final chapter
of your best-selling book, right here.
Oh, my book. My book? You mean, my posthumous book.
The one that you're going to make all the money off of.
After these guys shoot me about a thousand times.
There is no deal, Hollywood.
All right. Okay.
I never do this. If you ever tell anyone I did this, I'll deny it.
But I'm going to cut my fee.
There will be no Richie 35 on this one.
There will be Richie 15,
and we're still both going to do great.
Because this is golden.
Brian, you don't want to be the guy
that left the Alamo.
You are a piece of work.
Thank you.
My posthumous book, I wonder what you'll call it.
Chief, this is for you.
In that truck is all the ammunition you will ever need.
And my bullets work.
Now come on back here with me, guys.
There you go.
That's for you, and you. There you go.
Careful with that.
Thanks for not killing me.
What did he say? "The day is not over yet. "
Pretty good.
Richie.
Hi.
Hey.
In all of the excitement, I forgot to congratulate you.
You won.
I told you.
Yeah.
And that was nothing.
I had a killer arrangement for the finals.
Strings. Gospel choir.
Wall of sound. Huge.
You would have won in a walk.
Salima, honey, you are the best I ever heard.
You saw it all.
Well, except for this part.
Richie, this, right now, this will be the best part.
The dying part?
Not the dying part. The living.
You folks from the mystic East have a much better handle
on the whole karma, life/death thing.
Rumi writes, "There is a candle
"in your heart, ready to be kindled.
"There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
"You feel it, don't you?"
Richie...
You will. I...
I promise. You will feel it.
This is nuts!
I'm not a fighter. I'm a deal-maker.
I'm going to go make a deal.
You just got to love this guy.
These guys have no idea what they're up against.
Let me do the talking.
Knock yourself out.
What are you doing?
I'm representing. I'm here to negotiate.
And you?
We are here to kill all unbelievers and the whore who sings.
Okay. I'm hearing you.
More of a deal-breaker than a negotiation.
Let's get serious. What's it gonna take for all of this to go away?
Kill him! Kill this fool now!
Okay, very quickly, a key is to know what the other guy wants.
You are a warlord. You want war, I suppose.
Money. Power. Maybe opium.
And you know, in an ideal world,
you'd like CIA and Taliban to both pay you to sell out your own country.
I mean, you're a warlord...
Stand down! Stand down!
Anybody hit? Richie!
Anybody else want to see how real bullets work?
Richie, you're all right. It's a flesh wound. Buck up.
No. No, I don't, Thank you.
I don't want string. I don't use string.
Okay?
Do I look like I use string?
No, I want this thing here.
I want the animal, okay?
Come on, for my kid. For my girl.
Let's take a look.
Come on.
All right, what have you got for this?
Five bucks?
I mean, it's made in Taiwan. You didn't make this.
You didn't make this. This was made by
Chinese people in Taiwan.
Five bucks good? We good?
If you're saying 10 bucks,
I'm sorry, 'cause I only got five bucks is all I got on me.
You can't do it for five? Take it.
I'll find somewhere else for five,
I promise you.
It's all I got. It's all I got.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thanks. Appreciate it.
That's great. That'll be...
All right, give me some string.
Here, I found five more bucks, give me...
Well, that's ugly.
Give me that blue one.
Which one... I don't need all of this.
Which one is better? This one?
Give me that one, it's clean.
Now it's mixed in there. That's the color.
Which one is better, this or this?
Which one?
All right, I'm taking that one,
between these two.
I just wanted to take one of these.
I want two of these.
This one, or this one?
This one?
I got that one. Here.
This one, or this one?
Okay.
I'm going to decide on my own.
I've already put this one in my mouth.
I'm keeping that one.
And that reminds me of someone,
and this is brand new and mysterious.
So you keep that one,
and we'll call it square.
Oh.
Okay.